If you're as introverted as I am, chances are that you'll have (for the most part) total control over your emotions and are able to downplay your inner thoughts as needed. You're always composed, forever knowing within yourself that logic should take precedence over raw emotions (and in some cases primal instincts). Your family, friends, peers and colleagues all notice this quality and stay within the social boundaries you place upon them and they are all quite happy to stay in the niche that you have allocated to them, meaning that respective familiars will not tread inside your personal space when they are not permitted to. Everyone knows their place in your mind.

But there are the few that will invariably appear to strip you of that control with minimal to no effort - in my case I'm always in trouble over a girl. That degree of composure that you enjoy so much crumbles before you and you are left vulnerable, left to have your heartstrings plucked freely. Your newfound "friend" assumes control over the majority of your inner self - if not entirely and there's often not a fucking thing you can do about it (I know that some of you say to simply ignore them, however there's always somebody that you cannot ignore without feeling like an outright prick for doing so).

You feel that all you can do is invest in them and maybe you'll regain some of that self-control and composure you previously had. You lose yourself in them, acting on the delusion that if you spend time, money and energy on them that it will be returned to you, gambling your emotions on a blind conviction and you don't often realise it until it's too late. When you finally come to your senses it's (for the most part) when they've plucked at your heartstrings for a while, toyed with your emotions and then left you high and dry. What makes it worse is when you look back and come to realise the obviousness of the truth, and how you were so fucking stupid to become so easily attached to a near-stranger.

I dunno how many times I've fallen into this stupid trap over the past 14 months. Each time I crawled back out of the visible hole I so willingly fell into because I couldn't get a hold of myself, I found the flaws in myself that I always leave open. I've changed aspects of myself so many times I don't know who my core self is anymore. I can no longer differentiate between what I truly believe about myself and what I've changed to help protect myself. But I fell into the same hole every single time. I acted on blind faith that this time things would be different, that I could trust in myself to see the signs and miss the pitfalls I blindly fell into. But every time I fail to see my own mistakes; I'm just a sucker for helping someone. Every time I endeavour to offer help to someone who needs it, in the hope that I may feel validated by her showing some form of gratitude and making a legitimate emotional connection. Ironically, me investing in her is my downfall as I always fall into the same hole.

In the past year I got attached to a heartless bitch (read my previous journal entry if you haven't) and I was screwed over and stabbed in the back. I then developed a deeper emotional connection towards a friend who tried to protect me from both her emotions and my own; my feelings for her grew as a result. The connection was both a blessing and a curse - her shielding me from both our emotions kept me safe, yet I'd never felt so broken inside. I took some poor advice and ended up regretting a one night stand in the process.

Fast forward to tonight and I've let myself get attached to a girl at my work who has a violent bastard for a boyfriend (whom I would very much like to torture for a few hours - guys treating their girlfriends like shit is something I despise within every fibre of my being), and me being a sentimental idiot I help out. I don't move so much as an inch towards any kind of relationship beyond a friendship because I don't want to repeat my mistakes yet again. The consequence for my non-action is that my workmate shows up, sells me out, starts hitting on her and then takes her home. I don't push the envelope and yet again I get shafted and end up in a hole. I don't wanna destroy a friendship over a random girl that got my attention, but he didn't have to sell me out - I couldn't say anything in return without sounding derogatory, jealous and outright nasty.

I've spent my entire adolescent life acting on the notion that there is such an enigmatic factor of life called romance, raised to believe that offering help to those who need it will be returned to you. However, going from experience, I can only say that romance is a fool's bet. Love and loss are forever intertwined, the latter being the final result, and relationships seem to stem from what two people can extort from one another, not what two people can offer each other. The common factor in all these situation is that I got attached in the first place. With that, all I can say is "fuck it all."

Mel, please don't think that I've labelled you as an extortionist in this. I know that whilst it was torture for me, you didn't take advantage of my vulnerability when you could have done so with ease, and I cannot thank you enough for that. I suppose that was what kept me content with what I was trying to achieve between the two of us and thus why I was so persistant.

Now that I've got all that off my chest, here's the moral to this little story: Don't EVER get attached to anyone. Don't ever, even for one second, let anyone strip you of your composure - if they ever do, don't seek to invest in them and "earn" yourself. Don't make my mistakes...